Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.

When the ‘No’ comes

For many people who find the BDSM lifestyle, it’s about stumbling upon something new. You click on a porn site, watch something kinky on television, or read a juicy book. And then what? More and more aspects of the lifestyle sound interesting. Bondage, wax play, so many options for foreplay and fun.

After lots of research you decide, that life-altering or not, you are going to approach your significant other/spouse about trying the things you’ve read about. You have a plan of how it will all work. The expectations and excitement of this new opportunity. The nervous energy as you cook dinner and prepare to butter up your loved one. And after a glass of wine or two you lay out your idea. Your request to change your relationship, add something new, something that could be wonderful. You lay it all out. Heart on your sleeve, gulp in your throat, you offer yourself. To control or be control, you take the biggest risk of your relationship.

And if the answer is yes, then the easy part is over. And I didn’t type that wrong. This stressful research process and possible rejection is only the first step of entering a BDSM dynamic. But, if both parties are willing to do the work, it can be more than satisfying.


What if you get a strange look? What if confusion turns to anger and accusation? Are you asking too much of them, or insinuating that they aren’t enough? There are so many ways that this conversation can go wrong. In the books and sex blogs all you read are the ‘success’ stories. Making it work and enjoying the journey are what encourages us to try the conversation ourselves. But no one writes about the ‘no’. You never hear about the negative responses as they don’t usually mean the start of a journey. At least not for the couple.

But what next. Your partner has stated, hopefully without too much yelling, that BDSM isn’t the cards. So after you take a step back, where do you go from there? Does this end the relationship? It doesn’t have to. But that is always the fear. If I’m honest, that is my fear. To resent someone who doesn’t want to explore something new. Or the concern that you not enough or not worth the work this type of relationship requires.

Endeavoring to try something new is always difficult. But, even if the answer is no (obviously I hope it’s not), it doesn’t mean BDSM cannot bring clarity to your life. You can find ways to enjoy your life and relationship and still try to be kinky. It is still worth asking. You never know what the answer will be. Even a no can change your life in the most unforeseeable ways.

2 Responses to “When the ‘No’ comes”

  • ancilla ksst

    I read Dan Savage’s column, and it is filled with people who brought out their fetish, or relationship desires, to their partner and got a big “Nope, not happening”. The relationship doesn’t always end. Sometimes it does, or sometimes they explore those things with another person in an open relationship type situation. Or sometimes they do decide to explore that desire in some limited ways.

    • Rye

      I love Dan Savage. I would be curious to see what the outcomes of those relationships was. I hope that they worked out a way to explore and still stay together.


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