Chasing Me Chasing You

An uncollared submissive struggling through depression, motherhood, and the constant craving of her next orgasm.


I had every intention of writing about condoms for Wicked Wednesday this week. I was going to tell you all about how I didn’t like them. I thought they felt weird and I was so happy when we didn’t have to use them anymore. I was going to write about how we used them in BDSM for anal for awhile and on our toys to make them last longer. But honestly, it hurt too much. Can you believe that? Writing about fucking condoms hurt. What is wrong with me?

Am I that weak? That lost? I can post pictures of my pussy all over the internet, but writing about a form of birth control turns me to goo. Obviously I am not as far along in getting over our loss of D/s as I thought. And I’m clinging to it with everything that I have. Today the husband and I went out for breakfast. He was talking about problems at the office and his stress level. I wanted to help him feel better about himself, so my instinctual solution was to suggest a type of power exchange relationship where he would report to me. I would be his Dom, so to speak. I know, I know. I’m grasping at straws. But it made sense in my head. I’m organized. I can organize his work life. It was something we considered doing once he starts his business. Most people call them secretaries.

I’m just tired. Tired to pretending that everything is ok. Tired of always being horny and yet still feeling guilty every time I even consider masturbating. Every time I orgasm I still feel this twinge because I didn’t get permission to do so. I mean, I gave myself permission, but that’s not good enough. I don’t want to see how hurt I am. He feels bad enough. But I am struggling to move forward as fast as is necessary. The contractors still need decisions about cabinet stain, the boys still need haircuts. The rest of the world doesn’t give a fuck if I’m not at the top of my game. It just expects me to pull up my big girl panties and suck it up.

And with that in mind: Condoms are a great for a birth control that will also help to prevent the spread of STDs. However, if you are with a monogamist partner and you have other birth control options and are STD free, then not having to use them is great.

Wicked Wednesday... a place to be wickedly sexy or sexily wicked

8 Responses to “Blah”

  • ancilla ksst

    I’m so sorry you are down. I don’t have much words of comfort, except to say I totally get it, and I would be feeling just the same in your shoes. It doesn’t make you weak. I don’t feel it is unreasonable for you to complain or be angry.

    • Rye

      Thanks. It will get better. Just a rather down sort of day. I think I was just pissed at myself how upset I got thinking about condoms of all things.

  • Marie Rebelle

    Oh sweetie, I must have missed something. I had no idea your D/s was over. So sorry to hear that, and totally understandable that it hurts to write about it. Sending you lots of hugs and positive thoughts!

    Rebel xox

    • Rye

      Thanks Rebel. It’s just been a tough month or so. Trying to work through it. Sorry I whined all over wicked wednesday though. I felt bad after I linked it.

      • Marie Rebelle

        Don’t feel bad, it’s perfectly okay that you linked it! Hugs sweetie xox

  • Her Subject

    I believe D/s can work without a Dom. Realizing my wife is very much vanilla, at least that’s the goal I’m trying to achieve.

  • Molly

    Bug hugs… I had no idea that things had changed for you in this regard


    • Rye

      Things have gotten a lot better over the last few days. It was a rough few months though.


Allowed tags: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>