Fairy tales are tricky things. While there may be a happy ending in the cards, it’s a rough road. Usually filled with a lot of bad parenting and some good luck. But there is also a theme that seems to run through every traditional or reimagined fairy tale that I’ve read. The hero/victim/protagonist at one point or another is quite naive. They are going up against a much more experienced foe. This is where luck comes in. But I, as a lover and analyst of these works, have always wondered about the emotional fallout that comes with these dramatic and sometimes traumatic experiences.
On Saturday I had an admirer on Twitter. He told me I was pretty. I believed him. Why shouldn’t I? Then he told me I was a good person and a good mom and he thought that was hot. Now, a more experienced person would wonder how he would know that. But I merely accepted it as a lovely compliment. After a very short ride to make me his masturbation fodder I realized that my personal qualities meant very little and walked away from the conversation. The husband laughed at the guy’s comments until he realized how upset I was.
I felt dumb. I know I’m unlikely to meet any sort of soulmate on Twitter (not that I am even looking), but sometimes it’s nice to talk to someone. Working from home I don’t have the adult social interaction that I used to, and that can take a toll. I was mad at the guy, but I was more upset with myself. I mean, I’m thirty years old. I know I’ve been out of the dating game for ten years now, but still. You would think I could recognize a person who was just playing around. Was I just desperate for a sexual conversation that I was blinded by compliments? What I was really looking for was a large part of my confusion and emotion.
I love my husband. We’ve been together for a long time and shared parts of our lives that I wouldn’t want to share with anyone else. But he also admits that he will never be able to be the controlling, spoiling, demanding Dominant that I crave. Aside from play in the bedroom, we will probably never have that sort of D/s relationship. And even that has been greatly truncated over the last month. We still play with some toys, but the drawer has stayed closed a lot. And control hasn’t really been part of our sex life for a long time.
But this silly interaction on Twitter has shown me how little I know about ‘getting out there’. He seems willing to consider letting me play with others, but I don’t know how I would ever meet someone that would help to meet all the desires he cannot. Sometimes I think he wants me to go. Other times he says he’ll fight for me. I don’t know what ‘fighting for me’ looks like. I don’t know what I can ask for. I’m not the type for ultimatums.
I don’t want to lose my submission. It’s a part of myself that I’ve recently discovered, but that doesn’t make it any easier to ignore. And the idea of never being someone’s pet, never being someone’s good girl again is hard to swallow. I really want him to be enough. He’s been there through a lot and he tries so hard. I guess I just don’t know if it’s worse to try and mitigate my submissive desires. Would I just end up being bitter toward him?
Would I then become the villain in this fairy tale? Creating my own unhappiness and then blaming others’ for it.