“You seem much calmer lately.”
“Honestly, I just don’t care anymore.”
I think my answer shocked us both, but I walked away before my mother-in-law could comment further.
I wasn’t shocked that I said it to her. She and I have always been direct with one another and I rarely hold back with her. It was more that what I had just shared was actually true.
Obviously, I want my children to be safe and happy, they need to have food and warm clothes. But they do. They have everything they need and rarely want for anything (except Legos and candy).
Outside my children, however, I am running on emotional empty. My new job is fine, except for my Devil wears Prada boss. My sex life is non-existent except for masturbation videos occasionally shared with my transcontinental lover. And our bank account dwindles while my husband talks about numerous things we can’t afford that he still wants.
I think my current solution seems to be to just emotionally shut down. I’m not saying that this is a good plan. In fact, it’s probably the worst plan, but I’m out of ideas. My doctor has increased my meds, but it will be a few weeks until I notice a difference. Everything I try to reach to make my husband and/or boss happy flies back in my face. So sex and job satisfaction have just disappeared from my to do list. I can function without them; other people do it all the time.
So for right now I’ll just walk around and pick up toys and ignore my bosses glares. I’ll try to lose too much empathy as I continue to shield myself from whatever this is. I just feel bad about complaining, so I don’t. We haven’t experienced a hurricane in Ohio and we still have our health insurance. It could be so much worse and me not having sex for months just doesn’t seem to make the cut. But I still feel the lowest I’ve ever been, and that’s not a pleasant thing for me.
On the positive side, I can still shock my mother-in-law.